Hipster totally knows it’s not butter.

— Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Paulson residence, 1:26 p.m. 09/17/2019

According to reports from the scene, Jennifer Paulson, 67, was just trying to help her grandson “eat a little bit healthier” when trouble erupted. “Billy eats too many weird foods,” she said as she slathered a thick layer of margarine onto a piece of white toast. “Margarine is what got my parents through WWII you know?” By her own admission, Paulson has eaten margarine on bleached white bread nearly every day of her adult life, despite health officials denouncing it in recent years, linking it to heart disease. This was the root of the outburst by her 25-year-old grandson. “Gram! What is that shit on my toast?” Billy shouted. “Now I have to make it myself with something that doesn’t taste like a surgical glove. Thanks a lot!” As of press time, Billy was trying to fit a thick slice of avocado into his grandmother’s upright toaster. This is a developing story.